mid4.net

I recon Steve would have found this funny. I miss Steve. What a Legend. R.I.P. mate.

We doooooooo…………

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless and
so easy to see happening, ‘Customer Service’ being what it is today.

A lady died in January and the ANZ bank billed her for February and March
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 - now it
was somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member:
“I am calling to tell you that Mrs X died in January.”

ANZ:
“I’m sorry, but the account was never closed so late fees and charges still
apply.”

Family Member:
“Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”

ANZ:
“Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member:
“So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

ANZ:
“Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member:
“Do you think God will be mad at her?”

ANZ:
“Excuse me?”

Family Member:
“Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?”

ANZ:
“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my Supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
“I’m calling to tell you, Mrs X died in January.”

ANZ:
“As the team member told you, the account was never closed, and the late
fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member:
“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

ANZ:
(Stammer) “Are you her Lawyer?”

Family Member:
“No, I’m her great nephew.”

(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
“Our system isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to
help.”

Family Member:
“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.
I don’t think she will care.”

ANZ:
“Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Family Member:
“Would you like her new billing address?”

ANZ:
“That might help.”

Family Member:
“Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69.”

ANZ:
“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member:
“What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

Your driving down an old road, and you see an informative sign…

…and then another one to clear up any doubts…

…and finally one to make sense of it all…

The orginal meaning of Spam…

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
Enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it)
________________________________

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it!)
________________________________

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
________________________________

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig!)
________________________________

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
Death. (Creepy.)

(I’m still not over the pig!)
________________________________

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)
______________________________

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
Its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(”Honey, I’m home. What the..?!”)
________________________________

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

(30 minutes… Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
________________________________

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
________________________________

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life… Quality over quantity)
________________________________

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know!)
________________________________

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm……)
________________________________

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
________________________________

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing?!)
________________________________

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?!)
________________________________

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that!)
________________________________

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too!)
________________________________

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer!)
________________________________

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig?!!)

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

How to tell when you’ve had enough coffee…

Kid freeks out when he gets a nintendo for Christmas…

is it slinkies or slinkys?

There was this guy who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One day he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was tanned all over, with the exception of his penis which he decided to do someyhing about.

So he completely undressed and burried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little lady.

“There really is no justice in this world.” The other old lady said,
“What do you mean?” The first old lady said,
“Look at that… when I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I payed for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild — and I’m too old to squat!”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

This is for anyone who likes to complain alot…

… but it’s kinda only funny if you know who Chopper is…

“Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women’s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.”

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?