mid4.net

Cartman’s way of spreading the love…

“I love you guys”

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking….

Scared the s%#t out of me!

So I decided - That’s it!!!

After today…

No more reading.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathroom but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,” she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

So after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn’t believe her so she replied, “Next week I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.”

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?”

“Oh yes,” said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, “Did you see it?”

“Yes,” he said. “But why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she retorted. “You’ve seen it all before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the fuc$ing darts team hadn’t!”

`

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked: “Do you have a dog.”

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch… Why else would I buy dog food??

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky… Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins….

Kiven, the kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut’s bliddy ‘ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can’t stand to be bettered. “Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it’s head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I’m still here today”.

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Collaborative Essay turned Nasty!

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

HERE IS THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. ” Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of *&^% TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

(Gary)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have any material possessions — but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband’s erect penis.”

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We’re not really going to the French Riviera — we’re going to my parent’s house for two weeks.”

The second woman says, “Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my Husband didn’t buy me a Mercedes — he bought me a Taurus.”

“Well,” the third woman says, “I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.”

The council told them that the house cannot be knocked down for historical purposes, in particular the main front part of the house must be intact… so that is what they kept…

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year….

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat wee in the glue On envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that Needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every food can I open For the same reason I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating In their special e-mail program ….

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million With me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died Interstate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out For me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water Buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward E-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove Toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a Serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume Sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore And Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £1000 I found Dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex Molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 Minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to Grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a Friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s Cousin’s’ beautician.

…Always look on the bright side of life . . .
Tee Dum.. Tee Dum TeTumTeTum.. Always look on the light side of life . . .

Finally, men get to show off their junk…

It’s kinda like Simpsons The Movie, but except its Minesweeper the Movie and its nothing like the Simpsons at all… its more like.. well.. Minesweeper…

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane that was leaving Chicago O’Hare. The stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger, “How about nuclear power?”

“OK”, she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

The little girl then asks, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”