A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,
“Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out.” He says.
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”
Sitting in a 3.8 metre sea kayak, watching a four metre great white shark approach you is a fairly tense experience.
Fred and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back To Fred’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his Breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?” She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to School.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up Yet?”
His mom says, “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue”
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession.”
Moral: DON’T EVER BE LATE
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ….. Power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October - Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days … Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn’t call 911 ….. “duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!
There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Have a Wonderful 2008 everyone!
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he’d hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last.
And you’re single. Just let it go.”
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering……
.
Dave…….
.
.
Dave……..
.
.
.
Dave……..
.
.
…….you’re a vet
See how far you can throw Santa… my highest is 334.9
Damn that music gets annoying after a while…
Cartman’s way of spreading the love…
“I love you guys”
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking….
Scared the s%#t out of me!
So I decided - That’s it!!!
After today…
No more reading.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathroom but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,” she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
So after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn’t believe her so she replied, “Next week I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.”
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?”
“Oh yes,” said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said. “But why the hell did you have to show her yours?”
“Why not?” she retorted. “You’ve seen it all before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the fuc$ing darts team hadn’t!”
`
I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.
The woman behind me asked: “Do you have a dog.”
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch… Why else would I buy dog food??
The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky… Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins….
Kiven, the kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut’s bliddy ‘ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can’t stand to be bettered. “Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it’s head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I’m still here today”.
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.