mid4.net

It was Postman Paddy’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same Irish villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Irish breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words”, he said, “but what’s the five quid for?”

“Well,” said the dumb blonde, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you”.

“I asked him what to give you”.

He said “F**k him. Give him a fiver”.

She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea”.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

…wait for it…

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…wait for it…

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Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.

His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

So I was driving to work the other day and this dick in a truck pulls out in front of me….

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his Telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down At the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you That we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well, Monsieur Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news!

How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub and that makes eight of us.

Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Monsieur Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring ya back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!” “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you monsieur that I have 6,000 tanks and 5 000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to ya.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.”

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you monsieur that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring ya back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top O the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners of war.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” to which she replied,

“There certainly is!” The computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says,
“Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

She says, “Why, officer?”

“Because your breast is hanging out.” He says.

She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”

Sitting in a 3.8 metre sea kayak, watching a four metre great white shark approach you is a fairly tense experience.

Fred and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back To Fred’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his Breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?” She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to School.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up Yet?”

His mom says, “No.”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue”

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession.”

Moral: DON’T EVER BE LATE

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ….. Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???

October - Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days … Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn’t call 911 ….. “duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!

There were three Indian squaws.

One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Have a Wonderful 2008 everyone!

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he’d hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last.

And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering……

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Dave…….

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Dave……..

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Dave……..

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…….you’re a vet

See how far you can throw Santa… my highest is 334.9

Sling Santa

Damn that music gets annoying after a while…