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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession.”

Moral: DON’T EVER BE LATE

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing Her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an Accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up Her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It Said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great Opportunity.

EVE’S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

“So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It’s all so beautiful” she replied. “Everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I’m constantly knocking them with my arms.”

She went on to tell Him that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc…….she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced,” as she put it.

“That is a fair point, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And He reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Now let’s see…………where did I put that useless tit?”

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is growing in popularity.

I think this religion would just make me hungry…

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we
don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what
you did in the ‘beginning.’”

“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.

“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the
soil.

“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,

(I love this…)

“Get your own dirt.”

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give
her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters
swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is
pregnant.” The mother turned red with fury.

She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and
would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window!
Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the
last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three
wise men came. I was hoping to witness that when they show up
again.”

A biker was riding along a Gold Coast beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
 
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to New Zealand so
I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"