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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is optional; growing old is mandatory.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How to tell when you’ve had enough coffee…

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE STRESSED IF…

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

3. The Sun is too loud.

4. Trees begin chasing you.

5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

6. You can hear mimes.

7. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

8. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

9. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

10. You keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!” even though you are the only one in the room.

11. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

12. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

13. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

14. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

16. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

17. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

18. You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed.

19. You call your voicemail from your car using your cell-phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day.

20. Your e-mail notification tune is Taps.

21. You call the Time & Weather because that lady “really understands you.”

22. You take the “Don’t Walk” sign personally.

23. Your pager is set to stun.

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.

25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.

27. For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

28. The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience.

29. The elders like to sit back while their young do all their work.

30. People who live in windowed environments shouldn’t cast pointers.

31. Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.

32. The value of the average conversation could be enormously improved by the constant use of four simple words: “I do not know.”

33. The world isn’t worse. It’s just that the news coverage is so much better.

Why is it that:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher ‘mum’ or ‘dad’.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

23) You never ever run out of salt.

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

25) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

26) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

30) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.

31) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

33) Bricks are horrible to carry.

34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Now you know…

Bring on the Energy Revolution!