mid4.net

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

The girl said, ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mummy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly,”I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: “Oh, that feels good.”

His hand moves to her breast.

She: “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.”

His hand moves to her leg.

She: “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”

But he stops.

She: “Why did you stop?”

He: “I found the remote.”

Collaborative Essay turned Nasty!

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

HERE IS THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. ” Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of *&^% TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

(Gary)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

“Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women’s breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.”

He: Can i buy you a drink?
She: Actually, I’d rather have the money

He: Haven’t I seen you at some place before?
She: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I’ll be for the rest of your life..in your wildest dream.

He: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

Man: What would you say if i ask you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing.. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast…

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”

This is why you don’t cheat on your partner…

What are these everyday items… male or female?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes
a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc
if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old
lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the
weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly
changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be
lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons
to push, he just keeps trying…

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be
gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been
married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and
get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the
order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he
knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I
miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret
admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk - says he rarely gets to
work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with
compliments received from other diners / dancers

10:00 Hot shower - alone

10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM


6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch - steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all
nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news - stock purchase in high tech company has shot
through the roof, defying the odds… 300% gains (wise choice)

7:30 Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the
dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

- Do something she likes, and you get points.  
- Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
- You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system…

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy(-2)

Named Tina (-4)

Tina is a dancer (-6)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter
what]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing Construction work on

Guys’ Rules ­ At last a guy has
taken the time to write this all down Finally,
the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” From the female side.
Now
here are the rules from the male side.

These
are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1″ ON
PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re
a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t
hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday
sports. It’s like the full moon or
the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no,
we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1.
Ask for what you want. Let us be
clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do
not work! Obvious
hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

1.
Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.

1. A
headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything
we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become
null and void after 7 Days.

1.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s
Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1.
If you think you’re fat, you probably
are. Don’t ask us.

1.
If something we said can be interpreted
two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You
can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have
to say during commercials.

1. Christopher
Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1.
If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,”
We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not
worth the hassle.

1.
If you ask a question you don’t want an answer
to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1.
Don’t ask us what we’ re thinking
about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1.
Thank you for reading this. Yes,
I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But
did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.