mid4.net

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, But I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re Packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough Strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly Perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you There.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Donna. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer……we’d both still be alive

We should be careful how we word what we say sometimes…

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” she says. “I feel like shit.”

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not?”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each Day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we Are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation Process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank Me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service. Hehe…

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s Gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my Life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I DON’T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her Shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel And runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before She says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in Front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps Back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.

“Yes, I did.” he replied.
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”

Let me tell you about my doctor…

He’s very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn’t paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible.” The doctor said, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, “Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film.” The doctor calmly replied, “Let’s just wait and see what develops.”

One patient came in and said, “Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.” The doctor asked, “When did it start?” The man replied, “When did what start?”

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: Don’t answer it.

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, “Doctor, I think I’m a bell.” The doctor gave him some pills and said, “Here, take these if they don’t work, give me a ring.”

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, “Go sit over there. I’ll deal with you later.”

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment and he says, “I wish you had come to me sooner.”

An old bloke in Melbourne calls his son in Perth and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”. “Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son demands.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Sydney and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

“Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Melbourne immediately, and tells her dad, “You are NOT getting
divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re coming for Christmas and paying their own fares.”

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said d that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children What their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy Was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about His father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his Clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, He’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with Him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too Embarrassed to say.”

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions”. “Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his Willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree”. “A Christmas tree?”

“Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A guy goes to a doctor and says “Doc, I need a bigger wiener, can you help me?”. The doc says “As a matter of fact there is a new procedure where we use part of a baby elephants trunk as an implant. It doesn’t hurt the elephant and it seems to work great.”

The guy has the operation the next week. A month later he is on a date with a beautiful young blond.

His first date with his new wiener.

They are having dinner at a fancy restaurant and making small talk when all of the sudden his wiener comes up from beneath the table and grabs a Biscuit and disappears beneath the table.

His date looks at him and says “Gosh, can you do that again?”. Embarrassed he says “I probably could, but I don’t think my ass could handle Another Biscuit.