mid4.net

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking….

Scared the s%#t out of me!

So I decided - That’s it!!!

After today…

No more reading.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathroom but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,” she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

So after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn’t believe her so she replied, “Next week I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.”

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?”

“Oh yes,” said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, “Did you see it?”

“Yes,” he said. “But why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she retorted. “You’ve seen it all before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the fuc$ing darts team hadn’t!”

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked: “Do you have a dog.”

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch… Why else would I buy dog food??

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky… Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins….

Kiven, the kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut’s bliddy ‘ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can’t stand to be bettered. “Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it’s head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I’m still here today”.

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Collaborative Essay turned Nasty!

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

HERE IS THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. ” Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of *&^% TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

(Gary)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have any material possessions — but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband’s erect penis.”

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We’re not really going to the French Riviera — we’re going to my parent’s house for two weeks.”

The second woman says, “Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my Husband didn’t buy me a Mercedes — he bought me a Taurus.”

“Well,” the third woman says, “I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.”

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year….

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat wee in the glue On envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that Needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every food can I open For the same reason I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating In their special e-mail program ….

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million With me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died Interstate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out For me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water Buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward E-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove Toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a Serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume Sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore And Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £1000 I found Dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex Molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 Minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to Grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a Friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s Cousin’s’ beautician.

…Always look on the bright side of life . . .
Tee Dum.. Tee Dum TeTumTeTum.. Always look on the light side of life . . .

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane that was leaving Chicago O’Hare. The stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger, “How about nuclear power?”

“OK”, she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

The little girl then asks, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to Buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So, I asked the Centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down The Queen’s Head Pub with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the pub for a drink?”

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede’s house and shouting,
“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen’s Head Pub and have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time — I’m putting my fucking shoes on!!”

Beware of Supermarket Scam

A “heads up” for you and any of your friends who may be regular male Supermarket customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever Scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old Girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is Impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to Big W. you agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them Climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias. 3 Motorola’s and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found.

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless and
so easy to see happening, ‘Customer Service’ being what it is today.

A lady died in January and the ANZ bank billed her for February and March
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 - now it
was somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member:
“I am calling to tell you that Mrs X died in January.”

ANZ:
“I’m sorry, but the account was never closed so late fees and charges still
apply.”

Family Member:
“Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”

ANZ:
“Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member:
“So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

ANZ:
“Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member:
“Do you think God will be mad at her?”

ANZ:
“Excuse me?”

Family Member:
“Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?”

ANZ:
“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my Supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
“I’m calling to tell you, Mrs X died in January.”

ANZ:
“As the team member told you, the account was never closed, and the late
fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member:
“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

ANZ:
(Stammer) “Are you her Lawyer?”

Family Member:
“No, I’m her great nephew.”

(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
“Our system isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to
help.”

Family Member:
“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.
I don’t think she will care.”

ANZ:
“Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Family Member:
“Would you like her new billing address?”

ANZ:
“That might help.”

Family Member:
“Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69.”

ANZ:
“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member:
“What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

is it slinkies or slinkys?

There was this guy who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One day he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was tanned all over, with the exception of his penis which he decided to do someyhing about.

So he completely undressed and burried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little lady.

“There really is no justice in this world.” The other old lady said,
“What do you mean?” The first old lady said,
“Look at that… when I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I payed for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild — and I’m too old to squat!”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st, July 4th, and December 25th.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny people get one hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes and carrying a $600 Armani bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

THANK YOU
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice.”

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,

I’ll be waiting….

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society

Q: What would happen if you have a wooden car, with wooden wheels, wooden seats and wooden engine?
A: It wooden start

Son: mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?
Mom: my son, consdering what I did at those outrageous parties years ago, you be thankful you’re not barking.