mid4.net

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane that was leaving Chicago O’Hare. The stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger, “How about nuclear power?”

“OK”, she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

The little girl then asks, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.

So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to Buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So, I asked the Centipede in the box, “Would you like to go down The Queen’s Head Pub with me and have a beer?” But there was no answer.

This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the pub for a drink?”

But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.

So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede’s house and shouting,
“Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen’s Head Pub and have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time — I’m putting my fucking shoes on!!”

Beware of Supermarket Scam

A “heads up” for you and any of your friends who may be regular male Supermarket customers. Over the last month I became the victim of a clever Scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you.

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old Girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is Impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to Big W. you agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them Climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex. Doctors removed 2 Nokias. 3 Motorola’s and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found.

Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless and
so easy to see happening, ‘Customer Service’ being what it is today.

A lady died in January and the ANZ bank billed her for February and March
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 - now it
was somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member:
“I am calling to tell you that Mrs X died in January.”

ANZ:
“I’m sorry, but the account was never closed so late fees and charges still
apply.”

Family Member:
“Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”

ANZ:
“Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

Family Member:
“So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

ANZ:
“Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!”

Family Member:
“Do you think God will be mad at her?”

ANZ:
“Excuse me?”

Family Member:
“Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?”

ANZ:
“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my Supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
“I’m calling to tell you, Mrs X died in January.”

ANZ:
“As the team member told you, the account was never closed, and the late
fees and charges still apply.”

Family Member:
“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

ANZ:
(Stammer) “Are you her Lawyer?”

Family Member:
“No, I’m her great nephew.”

(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
“Our system isn’t set up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to
help.”

Family Member:
“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.
I don’t think she will care.”

ANZ:
“Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”

Family Member:
“Would you like her new billing address?”

ANZ:
“That might help.”

Family Member:
“Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Sydney Rd, Plot Number 69.”

ANZ:
“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

Family Member:
“What do you do with dead people on your planet?”

is it slinkies or slinkys?

There was this guy who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One day he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was tanned all over, with the exception of his penis which he decided to do someyhing about.

So he completely undressed and burried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little lady.

“There really is no justice in this world.” The other old lady said,
“What do you mean?” The first old lady said,
“Look at that… when I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I payed for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I’m 80 the damn things are growing wild — and I’m too old to squat!”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided was going to park my BMW R1150 GS motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st, July 4th, and December 25th.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny people get one hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes and carrying a $600 Armani bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

THANK YOU
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know we had a choice.”

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy,

I’ll be waiting….

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society

Q: What would happen if you have a wooden car, with wooden wheels, wooden seats and wooden engine?
A: It wooden start

Son: mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?
Mom: my son, consdering what I did at those outrageous parties years ago, you be thankful you’re not barking.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, But I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re Packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough Strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly Perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you There.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Donna. How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer……we’d both still be alive

We should be careful how we word what we say sometimes…

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” she says. “I feel like shit.”

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not?”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each Day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we Are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation Process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = POO
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank Me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service. Hehe…

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s Gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my Life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

I DON’T F***ING THINK SO!!!!!