mid4.net

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

……………………………………….

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.

……………………………………….

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

……………………………………….

School 1960 vs. School 2008 Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2008 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principals office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2008 - Vinh’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2008 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is optional; growing old is mandatory.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said,” I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right.”

And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

“The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Hang about! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mummy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mum won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly,”I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re- board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?” The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story…. Have a great day and remember…

THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: “Oh, that feels good.”

His hand moves to her breast.

She: “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.”

His hand moves to her leg.

She: “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”

But he stops.

She: “Why did you stop?”

He: “I found the remote.”

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

It was Postman Paddy’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same Irish villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Irish breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words”, he said, “but what’s the five quid for?”

“Well,” said the dumb blonde, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you”.

“I asked him what to give you”.

He said “F**k him. Give him a fiver”.

She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea”.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

…wait for it…

.

…wait for it…

.

.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.

His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his Telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down At the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you That we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well, Monsieur Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news!

How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub and that makes eight of us.

Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Monsieur Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring ya back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!” “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you monsieur that I have 6,000 tanks and 5 000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to ya.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.”

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you monsieur that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring ya back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top O the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners of war.

Fred and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back To Fred’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his Breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?” She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to School.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up Yet?”

His mom says, “No.”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue”

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession.”

Moral: DON’T EVER BE LATE

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he’d hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last.

And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering……

.

Dave…….

.

.

Dave……..

.

.

.
Dave……..

.

.

…….you’re a vet

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking….

Scared the s%#t out of me!

So I decided - That’s it!!!

After today…

No more reading.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic…

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathroom but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts,” she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

So after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the girl didn’t have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn’t believe her so she replied, “Next week I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.”

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?”

“Oh yes,” said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, “Did you see it?”

“Yes,” he said. “But why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she retorted. “You’ve seen it all before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the fuc$ing darts team hadn’t!”

I have three dogs and I was buying a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and standing in line at the check out.

The woman behind me asked: “Do you have a dog.”

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 20 kilos before I woke up in intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch… Why else would I buy dog food??

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky… Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins….

Kiven, the kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut’s bliddy ‘ed un.

Jerry from South Africa typically can’t stand to be bettered. “Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it’s head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I’m still here today”.

Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Collaborative Essay turned Nasty!

Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” reportedly offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

HERE IS THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. ” Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of *&^% TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”

(Rebecca)

As*h@le.

(Gary)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have any material possessions — but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband’s erect penis.”

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We’re not really going to the French Riviera — we’re going to my parent’s house for two weeks.”

The second woman says, “Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my Husband didn’t buy me a Mercedes — he bought me a Taurus.”

“Well,” the third woman says, “I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg.”

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year….

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat wee in the glue On envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that Needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every food can I open For the same reason I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating In their special e-mail program ….

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split £7 million With me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died Interstate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out For me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water Buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward E-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove Toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a Serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume Sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number For which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore And Uzbekistan.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t even pick up the £1000 I found Dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex Molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 Minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this Afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to Grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a Friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s Cousin’s’ beautician.

…Always look on the bright side of life . . .
Tee Dum.. Tee Dum TeTumTeTum.. Always look on the light side of life . . .