mid4.net

BEER: it’s not just for Breakfast anymore.

“I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don’t always agree with them.”
- George Bush.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

“Sacred cows make the best hamburger.”
- Mark Twain.

Beauty is in the eye of the Beer holder.

“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.”
- Batman costume warning label.

“Please provide the date of your death.”
- from an IRS letter.

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: “Oh, that feels good.”

His hand moves to her breast.

She: “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.”

His hand moves to her leg.

She: “Oh, honey, don’t stop.”

But he stops.

She: “Why did you stop?”

He: “I found the remote.”

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

It was Postman Paddy’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same Irish villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full Irish breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words”, he said, “but what’s the five quid for?”

“Well,” said the dumb blonde, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you”.

“I asked him what to give you”.

He said “F**k him. Give him a fiver”.

She smiled shyly and said, “The breakfast was my idea”.