mid4.net

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more.

On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

…wait for it…

.

…wait for it…

.

.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.

His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

So I was driving to work the other day and this dick in a truck pulls out in front of me….

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his Telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Chirac!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy Down At the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you That we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well, Monsieur Paddy,” Chirac replied, “This is indeed important news!

How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub and that makes eight of us.

Chirac paused. “I must tell you, Monsieur Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring ya back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!” “Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Chirac sighs amused. “I must tell you monsieur that I have 6,000 tanks and 5 000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to ya.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well.”

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you monsieur that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring ya back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top O the mornin’, Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Chirac. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners of war.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” to which she replied,

“There certainly is!” The computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”