Archive for January, 2008
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,
“Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out.” He says.
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”
Sitting in a 3.8 metre sea kayak, watching a four metre great white shark approach you is a fairly tense experience.
Fred and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back To Fred’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his Breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?” She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to School.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up Yet?”
His mom says, “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue”
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession.”
Moral: DON’T EVER BE LATE
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels…..Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer !!!
March - Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!”
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ….. Power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm…..car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is “C”…..isn’t it???
October - Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days … Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn’t call 911 ….. “duh”…..there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!
There were three Indian squaws.
One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Have a Wonderful 2008 everyone!