Employee Handbook
EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days each year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1st, July 4th, and December 25th.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Bereavement is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
LUNCH BREAK
a) Skinny people get one hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.
b) Middleweight people get 30 minutes for lunch, so they can get a balanced meal to maintain their average figures.
c) Fat people get five minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time they need to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing a pair of $350.00 Prada running shoes and carrying a $600 Armani bag, we will assume that you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
THANK YOU
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere