mid4.net

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won’t be pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What’s the food like here?” The lions say: “Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.”

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees This HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy Says: “What’s wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to Me?” The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give You the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet Tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 Pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says: “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around.”

Welcome to the town of Fucking…

An innocent little town in upper Austria, has a rather interesting name… (from an English perspective that is)… Here is a Fucking map:

Here is a Fucking sign:

And the Fucking newspaper article…

If I visit this town one day, I’ll send you a Fucking post card.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
– Quentin Crisp

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
– Monty Python

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
– Mark Twain

Spend time with a loved one…

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus:
One, but just “try” to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away

Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it’s supposed to be done!

Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo:
Leos don’t change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they’re out.

Virgo:
Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn:
I don’t waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…

Pisces:
Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

That’s not bogged! I’ve been bogged up to my aerial… and I still got out!

YOU KNOW YOU’RE STRESSED IF…

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

3. The Sun is too loud.

4. Trees begin chasing you.

5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

6. You can hear mimes.

7. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

8. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

9. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

10. You keep yelling “STOP TOUCHING ME!!!” even though you are the only one in the room.

11. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

12. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

13. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

14. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.

16. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

17. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

18. You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed.

19. You call your voicemail from your car using your cell-phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day.

20. Your e-mail notification tune is Taps.

21. You call the Time & Weather because that lady “really understands you.”

22. You take the “Don’t Walk” sign personally.

23. Your pager is set to stun.

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.

25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

26. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a do-it-yourself thing.

27. For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

28. The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience.

29. The elders like to sit back while their young do all their work.

30. People who live in windowed environments shouldn’t cast pointers.

31. Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.

32. The value of the average conversation could be enormously improved by the constant use of four simple words: “I do not know.”

33. The world isn’t worse. It’s just that the news coverage is so much better.

Study Revealed

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged it had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”

Only the state of Georgia was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this!”

Average
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Partical Physics
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

Atomic Discussion
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Whom To Eat
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Personal Problems
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

The Tilde
As has been pointed out, that “~” thing is called a “tilde:. Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it’s usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it’s potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often feel like … Walt’s in my tilde.
…(maybe only Aussies will get that one

Indecision
The confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: … You can’t have your Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

Funeral
A hearse was taking a man to a cemetery on top of a mountain overlooking a small town. The driver took a curve too quickly causing the casket to roll out of the back and down a very long hill. There happened to be a pharmacy at the bottom of the hill and the casket rolled through the open loading dock door, down one of the aisles and right past the drug counter. As it rolled by a customer asked the pharmacist, “Do you have anything to stop this coffin?”

The Wedding Gift
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words…. “hiss and hearse”

Bug
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Juice
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bag boy goes, “But I’ve been working here for 5 years, why can’t I run the juice machines?” The manager goes, “I’m sorry, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

Doctors
A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”

“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”

Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again.

“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”

“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?’

The father says, “I hope you SHOT that crazy dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

What’s the main reason for motorbike accidents in Jamaica?

Check out the following pictures to find out…

Did you see it?

Nobody is wearing a helmet!!

Why is it that:

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher ‘mum’ or ‘dad’.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

23) You never ever run out of salt.

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

25) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

26) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

30) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.

31) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

33) Bricks are horrible to carry.

34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.