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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

“Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

“What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?”

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
“Tonto you dick-head, someone stole our tent.”

Hung Chow telephones into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really Sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go home to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great”. I be at work soon”

“You got nice house.”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

See if you can solve this riddle… No Cheating now. Find the answer below if you can’t get it…

Answer: Click here.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Remember this is a true story.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform.

It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very luggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.

So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, this is TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced his unit as follows:

BASIC COW…………………………………$499.95

Shipping/Handling……………………………35.75
Extra Stomach……………………………….79.25
Two-Tone Exterior…………………………..142.10
Produce Storage Comartment…………………..126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper…………………….189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System………….149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter………………………..88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstry……………………179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns……………………………59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment………………339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly………………..884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb……………………69.80

————————————————————————
Farmer’s Suggested List Price………………$2843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments……………….$300.00

————————————————————————-
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options)………………….$3143.36

One day little red riding hood decided to go to her grandmother’s house. So she put on her clothes and fixed her picnic basket and was on her way.

While she was walking through the woods a rabbit came up to her and said, “Little red riding hood, you better be careful because the big bad wolf said he is gonna get you and when he gets you he is gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

Well, little red riding hood just laughed and kept on going. As she walked along a squirrel came up to her and said,”Little red riding hood you better be careful because the big bad wolf said he is gonna get you and when he does he is gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

Well, again she just laughed and kept right on going.

So suddenly, the big bad wolf jumped out of the bushes and said, “Ha! now I got you and I am gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off.”

Little red riding hood just laughed and laughed. So the big bad wolf got angry and said, “Did you hear what I said bitch?”

Little red riding hood stopped laughing and said, “yeah, I heard what you said.” She reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 9 millimeter and pointed it at the big bad wolf and said, “Now, you are gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and eat me just like the book said.”

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

A modern day explorer has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, mate,” says the genie… “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this”, said the explorer. “I’m not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie.”

She smiled and said, “What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The bloke thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He said, “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The explorer finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

The genie said, “OK, matey, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The explorer finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, “OK, chum, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the explorer says… “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story ….

If the government offers you anything…. there’s always a string attached.