mid4.net

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is growing in popularity.

I think this religion would just make me hungry…

Cow Political Philosophy
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad and you shoot them

AMERICAN CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back
to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns
eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new
president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No
balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute…

This advertisment was banned from Australian television because of the “vulgar” elongated nipples depiction. We thought it was the perfect type of Funny Ad for mid4.net!

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special”
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. “Sounds
good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you’re ordering ‘a la carte’,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” my wife asked
incredulously.

“YES!!” ….

“I’ll take the special.”

“How do you want your eggs?”

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs
home.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS. We’ve been around the block more than
once.

The Best Genie Story Ever

A husband took his wife to play her first game of
golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first
shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful!
Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner,
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that
was done; glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces
of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the
people that broke my window?”

“Uh ..yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the
husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been
trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three
wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you
don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted out, I’d like a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s
the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long,
healthy life!”

“And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the
genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world,” she said.”

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes
will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “what’s your
wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and
haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand
years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee,
honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all
those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You
know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I
guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband.
“I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of
non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you
and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

“No Kidding,” he said. “Thirty-five years old …
and both of you still believe in genies!”

The Fish

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says
“Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!”

“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the
sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s
what this fish is called - it’s a F*cker fish”. Accepting the
explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish
back to church.

“Look at this huge f*cker” says the priest, spotting the bishop.
Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop.

“No, no - that’s what this fish is called, ” says the priest.

“Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that
f*cker and we could have it for dinner”.

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the
mother superior.

“Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?” he asks her.
“My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked.

“No, sister that’s what the fish is called - a f*cker, ” says the
bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says,
“wonderful, I’ll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for
dinner!”

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

“Well, I caught the f*cker!” says the priest.
“And I cleaned the f*cker!” says the bishop.
“And I cooked the f*cker!” says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans
back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the
table, Pours himself a whiskey and says
“You know what?, You c*nts are alright.”

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m
fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the…” ”

I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde ’s answer
and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say
about his favourite mule, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I
could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning
and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and
saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between
the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in
hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now what the *&%$# would you say?

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang
a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb
towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys
with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt
with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with
cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the
other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold
water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new
one.

The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to
climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of
the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a
fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to
the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they
were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are
participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining
monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try
for the banana. Why not?

Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done
around here.

And that, is how company policy begins.

Barbie for the modern age…