mid4.net

Anyone had this windows alert message before?

Someone placed this Ad in a local paper in Armidale, Australia…

Does anyone have any clue as to what the hell this means??

Can sea monkeys grow fangs? …I don’t think so

…arrrhhhh Home Security? What the?

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.”
– Sharon Stone

“Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
– Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
– Billy Crystal

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s
reading.”
– Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
– Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
– Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
– Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s
genitals through his wallet.”
– Robin Williams

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time.”
– Robin Williams

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I
don’t like and just give her a house.”
– Rod Stewart

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they
cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
– Dustin Hoffman

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful.”
– Robert De Niro

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, t he very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Stella Awards

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards.” The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the Most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year’s winners:

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas , was Awarded $80,000. By a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle Tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the Verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000. And medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was Someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his Neighbor’s’ hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol , Pennsylvania , Was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the Garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the Automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the House because the door connecting the house and garage locked when He pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson Found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on A case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued The homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue Mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my Opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place !

4th Place :

Jerry Williams of Little Rock , Arkansas , was Awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the Buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a Chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought Because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little Provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence Into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place :

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on Soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on The floor because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 Seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place :

Kara Walton of Claymont , Delaware , successfully Sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from The Bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the Window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. And dental expenses.

1st Place :

This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski Of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU Football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise Control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the Back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for Not advising her in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually Do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. Plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this Suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

…but mostly boobs

If you think life is bad . . .

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys.

But worst of all . . .

The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain’t that bad!!!!

Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay…

I mean day!!!!!

Listen to this Audio… its a real recorded call of how a guy freaked out a telemarketer, and it was played on the radio somewhere in the US.

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrolman, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the man, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

* A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

* A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love?

* A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind?

* A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes ?

* A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

* A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?

…. Wait for it, Wait for it….

** Fuck’in Talented!!

Now you know…

50 Things That Change After Uni…

1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep

2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian
tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at
all.

5. You don’t volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work.

8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.

9. The bank manager doesn’t write threatening letters any more.

10. You carry an umbrella.

11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

12. You don’t go to Tesco with all your friends.

13. You have standing orders and direct debits.

14. The heating works in your house.

15. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and
break-up.

16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.

18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as ‘dressed up’.

19. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids
next door won’t turn down the stereo.

20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it’s raining.

21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.

22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.

23. You don’t know what time the kebab shop closes anymore.

24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.

26. You don’t get ideas for drinks from local tramps.

27. You don’t put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat
later.

28. You don’t spend half your day strategically planning pub
crawls.

29. You “hate scrounging students”.

30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road cones

31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.

32. You can’t persuade your flatmates to ‘Drink till dawn’.

33. You don’t spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.

34. You always know where you are when you wake up.

35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.

37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms
and pregnancy test kits.

38. A £3 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.

39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

41. You don’t have mice living in your kitchen.

42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.

43. You don’t go to Liquor Save to buy Vodka.

44. You have hoovered.

45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

46. ‘I just can’t drink the way I used to’ replaces ‘I’m never
going to drink that much again’.

47. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

48. You don’t experiment with illegal substances.

49. You don’t get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a
pub.

50. You don’t find a “dump” left in the toilet hysterically funny
anymore

An elderly man in Queensland, Australia had owned a large
property for several years.

He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The dam was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he
hadn’t been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you
leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the crocodile.”

Moral: Old men might walk slow but they can still think fast.

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet
engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency
on my part.

3. There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look
hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people
without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth
and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s
responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability
to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob
of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome
to a day in the average office.

10. It’s the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be
without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of
music would be completely different.

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why?
Cos then in winter time he’s got something to eat and he won’t
die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every
task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think
squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?”

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you
are the statue.

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the
prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost
theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of
the situation.

16. You don’t have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to
complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect,
they will never guess that you’re trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever
tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them
in the back.

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for
themselves.

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to
those of us who do.

22. There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’. But then there’s no ‘I’ in ‘useless
smug colleague’, either. And there’s four in ‘platitude-quoting
idiot’. Go figure.

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much
ambition results in promotion to a job you can’t do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you
mainly keep under your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never
win and never quit are idiots.

26. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes
- make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules:
1. It was like that when I got here.
2. I didn’t do it.
3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I’m the field general. You’re
my footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky
scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for
leaning on than illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem
really yours or just half of someone else’s?

32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to
fly?….

33. You don’t have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be
on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused
and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but
it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of
CVs in the bin without reading them.