mid4.net

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be
gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been
married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me
how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how
it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and
get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the
order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he
knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I
miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Billy Connollys: 14 things I hate about everybody

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time….I
know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point
at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the
TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too”. Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?

4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of
course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you’ve
found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the
fucking floor.

6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say “life is short”. What the fuck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do
that’s longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the
bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here,
Knobhead?

10. People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to
be’. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’
No it’ s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks
that’s an image I really didn’t need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless
you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering….. It’s
has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank
looks. Well I’ll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you
fucking McTosser.

14. When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks ‘are you
alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

What to write on a dirty car…

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, American scientists spent a decade and $12
billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside
down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at
temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Fool-proof process flow to solving any problem:

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give
her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters
swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is
pregnant.” The mother turned red with fury.

She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and
would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The
mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window!
Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am. It’s just that the
last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three
wise men came. I was hoping to witness that when they show up
again.”

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi’s interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly person in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You’ve been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman’s breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend’s fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It’s too late, you made an ass of yourself.

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the St. John’s Times
about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller
safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they
found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s
audiotape system, one robber said, ” At least we’ll have a bit to
eat.”

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained
nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the
safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond,
or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered
bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit,
each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full
stomach.

The newspaper headline read: Newfoundlands LARGEST SPERM BANK
ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

An Alternative Consumer-defined Dictionary - for all Word Lovers

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The
following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs

1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret
admirer

4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk - says he rarely gets to
work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with
compliments received from other diners / dancers

10:00 Hot shower - alone

10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM


6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch - steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all
nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news - stock purchase in high tech company has shot
through the roof, defying the odds… 300% gains (wise choice)

7:30 Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing
beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the
dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Wow… never seen porcupine babies before …gives a whole new meaning to labor pains!!

“If you tell the guys about this, i’m peeing in your shoes!”

Bring on the Energy Revolution!