Archive for September, 2006

Classic Sports Commentator Comments

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006

Classic Sports Commentator Comments

“Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him”
(NZ rugby commentator)

“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria….I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing.”
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

“This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
(Ted Walsh -Horse Racing Commentator)

“He’s pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain
off!”
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez’s substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

“The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and
flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things
up and give the team some brains and some common sense.”
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades,speaking in 1991)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body”
(Winston Bennett)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it
which is identical”
(Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father”
(Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of
them serious”
(Alan Minter)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again”
(Terry Venables)

“I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it you can see
it all over their faces.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks
on the field.”
(Metro Radio)

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the
air for even longer.”
(David Acfield)

“What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay
in football?”
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

“There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs
and showing his class”
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

“One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them……….. Oh my God, what have I just said?”
(USTV commentator)

Glen Glen Glen

Tuesday, September 26th, 2006


Some New Word Meanings…

Sunday, September 24th, 2006

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn’t get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a
grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Burning Weed…

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006


Sick Day Excuse…

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

– One man’s brilliant sick day excuse –

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I could think up a beaut lie to explain
the bandage on my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s
wishes to adopt a little kitten. Initially, the new acquisition
was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after
breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen.

“Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it. ”

“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower
pitter-patter.

“Please, I’m scared!” she pleaded.

“What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause)
“Come on, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without
consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button.

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without
warning any or consideration for my inadequacy to defend myself.

No, it wasn’t the garbage disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitten, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I was otherwise engaged under
the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she
leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered, and snagged them with
her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full
weight of a kitten hanging from my tackle.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight”
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight”
option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded
my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the ambulance officers pissed
themselves as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing
hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?

If they had only known.

Lemonade Stand

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

mmmmmm…. lemmmonnnaaade….


Dirt

Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we
don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what
you did in the ‘beginning.’”

“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.

“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”

“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the
soil.

“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,

(I love this…)

“Get your own dirt.”

Friendly Neighbours

Friday, September 22nd, 2006

A city councilman named Mark lives in a mountain view
neighbourhood. He had a beautiful view of the east mountains,
until a new neighbour purchased the lot below his house and
built.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances
would allow, so Mark, mad about his lost view, went to the city
to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance.

Mark and his new neighbor had some great arguments about this as
you can imagine - not great feelings were exchanged.

The new neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great
expense.

Recently, Mark called the city council again and informed them
that his new neighbor had installed some vents on the side of his
home. Mark didn’t like the look of these vents and asked the city
to investigate.

When they went to Mark’s home to see the vent view, this is what
they found…

Nice View

Hello friendly neighbour… nice view hey!

Nice View

Easy Way to Peel a Potato

Thursday, September 21st, 2006
Cool/Easy way of peeling a potato
01:51

Tech Support Classics

Thursday, September 21st, 2006

Tech Support Classics

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No ,wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s
still on my desk… sorry….
===============
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m
not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print.
Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can’t find it…
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah ………………..thank you.
===============
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple,
a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do
I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his printer is working fine.”
===============
Tech support: “Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program
Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Cramped Cubicle Solution

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006


Blonde goes to the Doctor’s

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle
and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so…” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”

The Red Folder

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006

Its Red so that you know where to find it in emergencies…

The Red Folder

Use the Red Folder wisely…

The Red Folder

The Red Folder

The End Is Near! …no really

Tuesday, September 19th, 2006

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the
road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now
Before it’s Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled,
“Leave us alone, you Religious nuts!”

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and asks,
“Do you think the sign should just say ‘Bridge Out’?”

Hearing protection policy…

Monday, September 18th, 2006

Hearing Protection Policy at Small Arms Ranges.

Cover your ears…

Hearing Protection

Are we all Monkeys?

Sunday, September 17th, 2006
What we are
03:53

Balls

Thursday, September 14th, 2006

An elderly woman walked into the Bank ofCanada one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and
insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she
said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is
always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
president’s office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
“$165,000″. The president was curious and asked her how shehad
been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that
she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, “What kind of bets?”

The elderly woman replied, “Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square.”

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president
and said, “Would you like to take my bet?”

“Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square.”

“Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of
money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10
o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.”

“No problem”, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles,
turning them this way and that, checking them over again and
again until he was positive that no one could consider his
testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way
he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived
at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the
$25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles
were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his
pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. “Of course”, said the
president. “Given the amount of money involved, you should be
100% sure.”

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and
she replied, “Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that
around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of
the President of the Bank of Canada !”

Be careful of Japanese Saunas…

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
www.Saunastreich.de (also watch: www.Toilettenstreich.de)
04:40

Are These Things Male or Female?

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006

What are these everyday items… male or female?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes
a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc
if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often
over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and
retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old
lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the
weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly
changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be
male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be
lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons
to push, he just keeps trying…

The Force Is With Him

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006

The Force Is With Him

Jonah was swallowed by a whale

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

Packaged Ice Product

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006

It’s now even easier to sell Ice to an Eskimo…

Popgadget has a good summary.

Ice Rocks Product

Image sourced from the product’s website.

Horny Cat

Monday, September 11th, 2006

Horny Cat